Love and Biology, Parents and Stepparents: The Invisible Relational Field in Stepfamily and New Formed Family Situations

Description: ”Stepfamilies bring out the worst in people and challenge them to find the best in themselves” (Papernow 2013). 

As couples increasingly choose to separate, or co-parent, we are likely to come across stepfamily and new-formed family situations, either in our clients’ or our own families. With a relational field that includes biological and non-biological relationships, parents, children, stepchildren, ex-partners, full and half siblings, these families are complicated and hard to navigate. When they work well, they can look like a tribe or network rather than nuclear, with children having a mix of adults, parents and others, caring for them. It takes time for this to develop. 

Before a stepfamily bonds or blends, they can be difficult for their members, who can be surprised by acting and feeling in ways that are not what they know of themselves. Unforeseen challenges cause emotions to arise that like magnets, attract and repel. This is the invisible relational field of primitive forces beyond reason; the same as those that on a larger scale cause wars and are built-in to us. Examples are the instinct to further our genes, protect our children from harm, keep our families together, push back invaders, hold on to our partners and it’s all happening within the stepfamily group. 

The invisible field constellates around the natural connection between parents and their children. It is more than love, they are part of each other, with children being experienced by the parent as a vulnerable extension of themselves. In most cases, this remains the same when parents have separated. It is not the same for stepparents, and other adults who come into the family. They are less likely to stay connected with their stepchildren if the relationship with their parent ends. Step-parental love is more like that of a mentor, uncle or aunt. However, love takes time to develop and as familiarity grows the step-parent and stepchild are competing with the same person for love, attention and time, as if they were brothers and sisters. Stepfamily couples often struggle with each other’s perspective, unable to hear each other, feeling protective of their children. 

The start of stepfamily couples working together is for them to listen to each other even when what they hear disturbs them. It then becomes possible to find creative solutions to stepfamily problems that take both parties needs into account, the ground for consolidation. It’s easier said than done for couples, when the feelings each have are natural, and pull in different directions from each other. Supporting this contact with awareness of the dynamics in these diverse family situations is where therapeutic support is invaluable. 

In this online workshop, I aim is to raise awareness of the consequences of the stepfamily field and consider ways Gestalt therapists can make sense of the situation and support their clients. I will present a method of illustrating stepfamily relationships based on biology that shows where the lines of attachment and loyalty run. With presentation, exploratory exercises, discussion in small groups and the opportunity for someone to work with me on either their own, or a clients’ situation, we will explore the relational field of stepfamilies. 

About your Presenter:

Claire Asherson Bartram is an experienced Gestalt therapist and has been working in the field for over 30 years. Over the years she has been influenced by other modalities, including developmental and attachment theory, family constellations and internal family systems. Since the start of her work as a therapist she has been interested in stepfamily relationships, beginning with her own family becoming a stepfamily, with her and her partner both having children from our previous relationships. In an early placement she worked as a telephone counsellor for the National Stepfamily Association (UK, no longer existing) and discovered that other stepfamily members were also struggling. In 2012 she completed my doctorate ‘Narratives of Mothers in Stepfamily situations’ in 2012 (DPsych Metanoia Institute and Middlesex University) from which she founded the organisation StepIn ASAP, with other therapists with personal experience of stepfamilies and she is currently writing a book aimed at couples in stepfamilies. Claire has a private practice in London as a therapist and supervisor with individuals, couples and groups. She is a mother, stepmother and grandmother.

Cost:                    GANZ Members: $55. Non-GANZ Members: $95.

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